Beginnings
Hi, my name is Jewel and this is my story. I’ve spent five and a half hours sitting in a local grocery store parking lot, chain smoking and video chatting with my sisters while they talked me through one of the biggest panic attacks I’ve had in ages. Why? Because just when I start to think I’m getting the hang of this football game we call life, suddenly someone changes it to baseball and I realize I’m trying to hit the ball with a goalpost.
How did I get here? An arguably successful woman with a husband and a boyfriend, in a new parental role with new vehicles and new houses and a burgeoning social life? How does one begin to unravel the myriad of choices that seemingly change one’s entire life path until the ripple effects render the landscape unrecognizable?
I know, I know, we’re not supposed to talk about the downsides of polyamory. Being a fringe movement means we cannot afford bad press within the community. That’s why there are so many “missing stair” toxic predators in the community. To call them out is to admit flaw, to shine a direct spotlight on the elements we’re trying to avoid.
And that’s really a part of it, isn’t it? Admitting we’re human and flawed and therefore whatever lifestyle we choose will inherently also be flawed by nature. It’s hard to admit any of that. And I’ve tried finding those resources out there for polyamorous folks. The ‘What to do when it all goes sideways’ blogs and resources. But I struggled to find anything that didn’t just gloss over real human tendency to fuck shit up like we’re born for it.
“Rise above’, I hear the many polyamorous people trying to give our choices legitimacy. “We all feel human emotion, it’s how we handle it that matters.” Really? Because I’m pretty sure having a former metamour trying to break a door down to enter the room you’re in is honestly not covered in More Than Two or the hundreds of links people love to quote.
The reason we fight so hard for that legitimacy is because we so often run in to “well you wouldn’t have to deal with that if you didn’t have multiple partners.” True. Just like I won’t get run over by a bus if I don’t ever go outside. But then what’s the point of being alive at all if I’m not going to live a little?
This blog is not going to explain polyamory, that’ll have to be between you and a search engine. There are plenty of How-To stories. There are several success stories. There are stories about how you can do everything right and still fail. This is not one of those stories. In this story, colossal mistakes were made.
This is what lead up to a five hour panic attack one thousand miles from my home, and how I’ve survived this far. Sit back, take your meds if you need to, and join my hellacious adventure where I was promised a bright new world and woke up in this polyamory nightmare.
How did I get here? An arguably successful woman with a husband and a boyfriend, in a new parental role with new vehicles and new houses and a burgeoning social life? How does one begin to unravel the myriad of choices that seemingly change one’s entire life path until the ripple effects render the landscape unrecognizable?
I know, I know, we’re not supposed to talk about the downsides of polyamory. Being a fringe movement means we cannot afford bad press within the community. That’s why there are so many “missing stair” toxic predators in the community. To call them out is to admit flaw, to shine a direct spotlight on the elements we’re trying to avoid.
And that’s really a part of it, isn’t it? Admitting we’re human and flawed and therefore whatever lifestyle we choose will inherently also be flawed by nature. It’s hard to admit any of that. And I’ve tried finding those resources out there for polyamorous folks. The ‘What to do when it all goes sideways’ blogs and resources. But I struggled to find anything that didn’t just gloss over real human tendency to fuck shit up like we’re born for it.
“Rise above’, I hear the many polyamorous people trying to give our choices legitimacy. “We all feel human emotion, it’s how we handle it that matters.” Really? Because I’m pretty sure having a former metamour trying to break a door down to enter the room you’re in is honestly not covered in More Than Two or the hundreds of links people love to quote.
The reason we fight so hard for that legitimacy is because we so often run in to “well you wouldn’t have to deal with that if you didn’t have multiple partners.” True. Just like I won’t get run over by a bus if I don’t ever go outside. But then what’s the point of being alive at all if I’m not going to live a little?
This blog is not going to explain polyamory, that’ll have to be between you and a search engine. There are plenty of How-To stories. There are several success stories. There are stories about how you can do everything right and still fail. This is not one of those stories. In this story, colossal mistakes were made.
This is what lead up to a five hour panic attack one thousand miles from my home, and how I’ve survived this far. Sit back, take your meds if you need to, and join my hellacious adventure where I was promised a bright new world and woke up in this polyamory nightmare.
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